For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot on the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all
It didn't seem to grow till one day our brother Joe had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall;
So he crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree and he planted it against the garden wall.
It shot up like a rocket, till it nearly reached the sky. It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.
We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high; It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.
When father's had a snootfull at his pub, "The Bunch of Grapes: he doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes
No, you'll find him in his bearskin playing Tarzan of the Apes off the biggest aspidistra in the world.
We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade so they put the water rates up half a crown;
The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes and they came up half a mile outside the town.
Once we hired an auditorium for a hot house but a jealous rival went and burnt it down
The tom cats and their sweethearts love to spend their evening out up the biggest aspidistra in the world;
They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout from the biggest aspidistra in the world.
The dogs all come around for miles, a lovely sight to see
They sniff around for hours and hours and wag their tails with glee
So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree....it's the biggest aspidistra in the world.