Tonight my oldest granddaughter had on Facebook written but one word FAIL...I then suddenly realised just how I have been feeling of late...I too feel I am a failure.
Now my dear g/daughter has far different problems to me but her state of mind is obviously producing this feeling that she fails at everthing. Recently her baby boy died when she was only 16 weeks into her pregnancy and that is something only people who have lost an unborn child can really understand. She probably now has a feeling of sheer inadequacy which is infiltrating her everyday life. She has been trying so hard to return to normal and not always succeeding. There is support for her from all her family and her friends but sometimes people feel there is little they can do to heal the hurt for her. I am hoping time will heal this wound and that she will once again be her cheerful, busy self.
Thinking about her made me realise what my problem is too. My arthritis is so very bad of late that simple tasks such as writing Christmas cards, tidying up a few objects, washing dishes and getting meals have become little nightmares. There doesn't seem to be one part of me that doesn't hurt at some time or another which in itself is difficult to bear but when it interferes with tasks I am trying to do it it becomes unbearable. Now I do understand that this pain and inability to do very much is playing with my mind which make matters far worse. I know that people with arthritis and diabetes (of which I am Type 2) are prone to depression so I wonder is this what has happened to me? I simply refuse to take strong pain killers as they do tend to make the old mind very fuzzy and as for anti-depressants....I don't suffer clinical depression so am sure I don't need them either.
MOH is so very patient with me and tries to understand what is happening to me but he himself has been ill for a couple of weeks and only now recovering from whatever bug had invaded his body. As we head towards Christmas I can only hope that the rest of the Christmas cards will get written and posted and presents bought and wrapped in time for the big day. It's funny but even wrapping a parcel seems beyong me at times as my hands are very painful and don't function as well as they should.
Am I sorry for myself? No, not really as I have a loving husband and family who I know do care about how I am and as I always have said there are so many millions of people in the world who are so worse off than I am. Unfortunately I am the one who feels my pain and my inadequacy and therefore that I am a failure.
If only I could talk to my g/daughter about how I too feel I am a failure (for such different reasons) but I doubt somehow it would help her at all. I do however understand exactly what she meant when she typed that one word FAIL.