IT WOULD BE SO EASY TO GIVE UP

Oh yes it would!!! Even simple tasks are becoming difficult and I can't see any chance of improvement; quite the reverse in fact.

I decided I'd go through my linen cupboard to perhaps add to items my daughter gave me to donate to an animal shelter (i.e. old sheets, towels etc) and would you believe after only about 10 minutes I had to sit down as my back had siezed up and that was that. Nowadays the hurt works its way from my lower back right up to my neck and just aches.

On Thursday I decided to go into the back garden and do some jobs that needed doing. Out I went with my trusty secateurs and did actually manage to prune a small bush and some wayward jasmine. I then spotted some dead heads in the Bird of Paradise bush so decided they had to go too. I did manage to remove some of them but daren't lean in too far in case I overbalanced. It was then a noticed a long jasmine trailer that was in a place it had no right to be so thought I'd trim that. Bad decision as it meant traversing some uneven ground. It was then I began to think what would happen if I did fall. MOH was out doing some banking and I knew if I hit the ground I would never get up. I used to spend hours working in our garden but now....not nice that I actually feel terrified when out there, especially when on my own.

Many would say I would be better living in a retirement village or similar but neither MOH or myself feel we are ready for that type of life, well not yet anyway. We like our little old house and hope to be carted out feet first perhaps.

I very much want to stay alive but the frustrations that beset me every day make me wonder why? I love my computer and get much pleasure from being in contact with friends on Facebook. I would love to see more of my family but realise that I am of little use to them these days and perhaps more a nuisance than anything. Theirs are busy lives and I don't want to be in the way.

I have to stay around for my cat who I know would miss me terribly and of course to help MOH get through his day as he takes tablets, has to inject insulin before each meal and have eye drops for his glaucoma each night. I must be here for him as he has told me he would be lost without me. I really believe that to be true in many ways. He is an exceedingly intelligent man but would he look after himself on his own? Not sure about that so here I have to try and stay.

This may sound rather pathetic but I can't help the way I feel at times. As I've said before there are millions of poor souls on this planet far worse off than I am but that doesn't make it any easier for me to accept my own problems.

It is rather fortunate that very few people bother checking my blog or this would bore them to tears but at least it has been good to put this into words and I apologise for whinging once again.