Sunday, July 4, 2010


As you know I was adopted by an English couple who emigrated to Australia in 1920 with the son of my 'dad' from a previous marriage (his wife died when quite young).

Thus, during my life I had no grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins per se. I have mentioned that dad had no contact with his family in England so no connections whatsoever on his side and my mum's mother had died in England when I was only 5 so knew nothing of her at all. Mum's father was quite a wealthy (but somewhat stuffy) fellow who would send me an English pound note every Christmas so, other than that, I really had no contact with him or mum's sister or her family.

Of course both mum and dad are long gone as is my adopted half-brother and I felt their loss very deeply and still do, particularly mum and dad. For various reasons I didn't have a lot of contact with my half-brother's family and was sorry when his widow died several years ago.

What are my thoughts about this: Have I been fortunate in not having to deal with the deaths of grandparents and other close relations? Is it better to have the love of those people and then feel so sad when they are gone from this earth or perhaps best not to have had them in the first place? Thinking back I think mine was quite a solitary, lonely life as my parents were 34 and 46 when they "got" me and my half-brother was nearly 21. There were no real family friends so there were seldom any visitors to our home although we occasionally used to visit people...there was nobody to whom I felt very close.

I wonder if this has made me different to people who have been part of a larger family with grandparents (even great-grandparents perhaps), aunts, uncles etc., or even those who have had loads of family friends? I know I love my own two children, six grandchildren and two great-grandchildren as I am capable of being hurt by things they perhaps say or do (or don't do) even when no hurt is intended on their part so I know I am not absolutely devoid of feeling.

We moved house many times during my youth and I attended two different schools and didn't live close to any of the other children who attended those schools. I really didn't get the opportunity to make strong connections with school friends (travel was difficult during the war years with petrol rationing etc) as we lived so far apart from each other. When we moved on we lost contact with friends in that neighbourhood as very few folk had telephones and some people didn't even have a car.

I always feel sad when I hear of the death of someone's relative or close friend or someone I have known and admired but is it the same for me as for others? Am I perhaps lacking in some emotion that other people have. Should I even worry about this? Why do I feel this way I wonder? I certainly don't want people to be upset when I eventually die as it will be my time and nothing can be done about it. Perhaps I am a fatalist and believe what will be will be. Who knows what I am going on about...thoughts rambling on now and getting nowhere.

Should I delete this post? No, I won't because I want to try and come to terms with who I am and still don't think I have done that yet. I will publish the post and I can read it again (even if nobody else does) and perhaps the puzzle that is me will suddenly be solved. At least for me if for no-one else!!

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