"Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits".....I have no idea where I first heard that sentence but it is a good one 'cos sometimes I do just sit, but at other times I sit and think, quite profoundly at times.
I think about who I am, how I came to be here, even how lucky I am to be here. You need to know my story to understand what I am mean by that statement. You see (I think I've mentioned this before) I was born to a single mother back in 1932 who was told by her father to go away, have me and forget it ever happened. My mother came from a quite strict Church of England family and her father was in the WA Police Force, a detective constable. Back in 1932 it was quite a disgrace for any family to have their daughter become pregnant and particularly when the father of that child denied responsibility and who, in fact, married another woman before I was born.
The reason I say I may be fortunate to be here to tell the tale is because, being in the police force, my grandfather would have had knowledge of people who performed abortions illegally and could easily have forced his daughter to follow that path. I think he was a God-fearing type of man and that would have been against his beliefs. Although he would not allow my mother to keep me with her at least he did nothing to cause my death. I guess I at least have to thank him for that.
I believe my mother was very much in love with the man who was my father but eventually realised he had abandoned her so she took out a court order to obtain maintenance for me. That was never honoured. I often wonder if my mother hoped, if she received some money from him, she may have been able to keep me with her.
One reason I believe this could have been the case is because, although I was given to my adoptive parents when I was quite tiny (so I have been told) my birth certificate in their name was dated early in 1933 whereas I had been born in January, 1932. Did I, in fact, remain with my birth mother until she realised there would be no maintenance payable and then she relinquished me to be put up for adoption? That is one question I will never have the answer to.
I have a Supreme Court document dated 6 July, 1932 (6 months after I was born) where my mother consents to an Order of Adoption "in favour of such person as a Judge may approve of under said act". Another document I have is an Application for Order of Adooption by my adoptive parents and this is dated 1 November, 1932 (I was then 9 months old). The official Order of Adoption itself is dated 24 November, 1932. I have never really looked at these dates before but they certainly have set me wondering...........My birth certicate showing my adoptive parents to be my parents was registered on 17 March, 1933. Put two and two together and what do you come up with?
Did my adoptive mother tell me I was 10 days old when I was given to her whereas possibly I was 10 months old. There have been so many 'stories' told to me that I realise that I just do not know what to believe but then, does any of that really matter. I had a happy childhood and much loved by two great people. Should I want more than that? Unfortunately at times I do and that sounds so selfish but...that's the way we humans often are.
Although my adoptive parents were wonderful to me during my life my mum wasn't going to tell me that I was adopted until she suddenly realised it was possible I may hear it from someone else. She told me just after I had turned 12 and I remember not being at all disturbed by the news and actually felt that it was wonderful to be someone's chosen child.
Many years later my mum also told me I should tear up my adoption papers as no-one else ever need know that I had been adopted. I don't know if she was ashamed she had not had me child herself or was protecting me but when she said that to me in the 1970s I didn't feel it was something of which to be ashamed. My mum also told me that my mother had died quite young and this I also think was some form of protection that would prevent me from ever seeking my birth mother. Thinking back on this now I realise it was all rather complicated.
I eventually got to know my birth mother over a few years but only spoke to her on the telephone up to 2 days before her death. I may go into that in another post as she told me quite a few things about having me.
This is what I mean when I said that sometimes "I sits and thinks". It is difficult to fit all the pieces of one's life together when there are so many unanswered questions. I often envy the people who had their own parents, grandparents etc., who would hear them chat about family and years gone by etc. etc. I have had none of that in my life so much of it is quite empty. My adoptive folk came from England so I didn't even get to meet any of their families. My dad had fallen out with his family prior to their coming to Australia so they were never mentioned and in mum's case there was only her father and her sister in England. We had letters but they didn't really mean anything to me at all as I'd never met them or spoken to them.
This may be of little interest to others but it came to me suddenly that I had to write it down and that is what I have done. I am told that is what blogs are mainly for...to express one's feeling about certain topics and I have done just that.