Here it is Sunday, 29th March in 2009 and as I don't think anyone bothers to read what I write here I can go ahead and say what I think and feel about anything and everything. I have had no comments at all which is why I think I am unread!!!
I didn't have a good night last night and ended up getting out of bed at 7.15am this morning, which is unheard of for me. I feel at odds with everything....myself, people, things and places, even my garden at home. The latter really frustrates me as I can see so many jobs that need doing and I can't darned well do them any more....at least not yet awhile. Poor dear husband tries to keep up but we've had such a hot summer it just got too much for him and he's not all that well all the time either.
I am beginning to think it best if I keep away from others as I seem to do nothing but upset them over what I feel are such trifles but upset them I obviously do so....keep away is the best alternative. Is it because I am getting older perhaps that people are less tolerant towards me than they were? I always thought folk were more tolerant of the elderly than of the young...I am sure I tried to be when I was young, but perhaps not. One's memory of things probably changes over the years. I know with some people it certainly does.
"Things" are also being a nuisance. I still can't find anywhere really comfortable to sit in our living room. I got rid of that awful sloping chair (had it for 6 weeks because of my hip op) as soon as I could and then sat in a tub chair for the next 5 weeks. Very comfy but couldn't tolerate it any longer as felt it would be so nice to relax a little more and have support for my shoulders and neck. Last night I decided the recliner would be the next step but after one evening, even with cushions etc., my back wasn't happy. Oh, hell....there must be some part of me that doesn't hurt at some time!!! I have been using a folding table to keep things on, to put my plate on to eat etc. and as I still can't lean forward too much feel I need to keep the table but I feel I and it are in the way. My dear hubby never complains about any of this and he is so patient but I am tired of feeling I am a nuisance. I did some washing this morning and he has hung out the sheets and pillowslips without a murmur or complaint and will bring them in later for me to fold. At least I can wash and fold them so I'm not completely useless.
One good thing came from my sitting in the bigger chair last night. My little cat couldn't find room on my lap when I was in the other chairs but last night she spent at least two hours curled asleep on my lap and it felt so good. Our two cats are really a bit part of our life and we now find them both sitting together on the kitchen table of a morning when we get up so seems they are friends again. Not sure what went wrong but they seemed to fall out a year or so back and would get quite cross with each other for no obvious reason.
There are also other things that seem against me, or is it me against them perhaps? I am somewhat afraid of going out into our garden, both front and back, for fear of tripping over something. I now realise how easy it could be to trip over uneven slabs etc., or even weeds so now dread going outside in case I should trip as I am heavy and what would a fall do to my hips or even my back?? I may have very strong bones but the poor old joints aren't the best.
I really shouldn't complain or feel so down as I still have two good legs and can walk which is more than many poor souls are unable to do for one reason or another. I think I am really feeling the loss of my friend Judy. She may have had her idiosyncrasies (don't we all though?) but we could chat on the telephone and talk to each other about things it didn't seem possible to talk to others about. We sort of understood each other more than most people do.
Unfortunately several of my close friends have departed this life over the past years and I am too old to make new, close ones. Sure I have met some lovely people in the exercise groups I attend but that is as far as it goes. We have lots of fun and laughs but they have their families, friends and lives without me intruding into them. I am not up to catering for visitors so can't ask anyone to come to our home anyway so certainly don't look for invites to their or expect them either.
At least the day turned out a little better as I had a telephone call from my daughter asking how we were getting on etc. We had a nice, long chat about this and that and how her family is faring at present. A couple of her children are having some problems of different kinds so it appears we all have our worries of one type or another. Anyway, it was good of her to find the time to telephone and hopefully we may see her and her husband again soon. People's lives appear to be so full these days with little time left over for relaxing, whereas I probably have too much time and that's when the mind begins thinking along lines that are not really all that good.
I will try and cheer up, do some more sewing, find perhaps a few more items to put on eBay which is usually a bit of fun and I will definitely rejoin my Wednesday exercise group this week. So there....things can only get better and it is up to me to see that they do.