THINKING ALLOWED

Lots of mixed thoughts these past few days:

Thinking of daughter and her hubby visiting B K and K in New Jersey.  After hearing about the bombing in New York and New Jersey I was so pleased to know they arrived safely and they appear to be having a wonderful time.  I miss them but with pics of them appearing on Facebook it still keeps them close.  This is a picture K posted of where they had lunch at the Reading Terminal Market in Philly.   Their meals sounded delicious: crab cakes for Karen and scallops on quinoa for her hubby.  (one day I will find out what all these new 'wonder' foods are).

Yesterday was my son's 59th birthday.  I sent him a nice birthday card but whether or not he will even bother opening it I have no idea.   It's hard to believe that the last time I saw him he was only 44.  I am ever grateful to his wife for keeping in touch via email and recently sending me a photo of the four of them taken on her birthday in July.   Steve hasn't changed all that much over the years and still has his beard and moustache....they suit him.   I put in the card "One day....perhaps....ever hoping."  Who knows what goes on in that head of his.....certainly not me.  Will we ever find out his reason for cutting all contact with everyone except his immediate family?

Also yesterday Phil paid an early visit to the dental clinic.   A few days ago he discovered a small lump on his top gum.   It didn't ache but was a little sore when he pressed on it.  A couple of months back he had a part tooth removed in the same area and the remaining tooth sort of patched up...you know how they do that type of thing these days don't you?   Thursday night I got on to him to make a decision to do something about the lump and so I set the alarm for 7.30am so he could arrive at the clinic at 8.15am and join the queue.  They are good like that...if you need emergency dental treatment you arrive at 8.15am and as soon as a dentist in available then it's your turn.  Cost him $200 all told with $150 of it being subsidised by our state government and the other $50 will be covered by private health insurance so no cost at all to Phil.  This has been available in Western Australia for some years now and pensioners and others with health cards can take advantage of this service.

This time Phil had an older Chinese dentist attend to him who promptly decided to take out the patched up tooth as it had a crack in it.   Reading in his notes that Phil does suffer mild osteoporosis the dentist stitched the hole in the gum, where the tooth had been.  Apparently if you are inclined to osteoporosis the jawbone can become thin after a tooth is removed.  I applaud that dentist for being so up to date on how to care for people, particularly the elderly.  He also gave Phil a script for antibiotics which hopefully will cure 'the lump'.  Hopefully, in a few days, his gum will heal nicely and he will have no further problems.

It is still unseasonably cool in Perth (not one day this week has been above 20C (68F) andI am still enjoying it so much, although it is doubtful if the poor old joints are.   Problem is, once the hot weather arrives we will feel it so much more.  They say August was the hottest ever on record...worldwide that is...but it certainly wasn't hot in Perth so it must have been very hot somewhere and I don't envy them one little bit.

THAT MAN I SHOULD NOT HAVE MARRIED

In 9 days it will be 57 years since I walked down the aisle to marry a man whom I should never have married.

It is a long story and one of which I am not completely proud of...how did it happen? It was sheerly by accident that I first went out with him...he wanted someone to partner him to the wedding of a mutual friend and so we went together. It was a great wedding and I thought that would be that but no, for some reason this fellow kept on wanting to see me and even after my folks built a new home several miles away he would ride his pushbike (young people couldn't afford to own a car back then) over each and every night. All a little overpowering you might say and, thinking back on it, I think it was exactly that. A habit that should have been broken but was not.

I could do nothing alone and my mum could see this becoming very serious and, in her infinite wisdom, she unfortunately suggested he and I become engaged. Her reason was because the two of us had decided to buy a block of land together and she felt that this was not right for an unmarried couple. People had strange ideas then as you can see. It wasn't as though we decided to move in together as young folk do these days!! It was just a block of land as an investment for the future.

Trying to cut a long story short....we became engaged on 19 July, 1952 and we were happy (I think) and to be honest I now feel that it was more a physical attraction than a mental one. Plans were made for my 21st birthday party early in 1953 and then plans for our wedding in July of that year.

The reason I say we should not have married is because he was incredibly jealous of everyone, male or female, who wanted to share any of my time and one good example was when a school friend came up to Perth for a few days. She was invited to our home for dinner and when I explained to 'you know who' that perhaps he might not come over that night as she and I had not seen each other for some time I thought he would take the hint. No, he turned up as usual and immediately tried to take over the conversation. I tried to politely suggest that he give J and I a chance to chat but he then started in to tickle me (anything to get my undivided attention) until I gave him a playful slap on the cheek and told him to stop it. Wow, what a reaction. He jumped off his chair and on his way out slammed the front door so hard that my mum came running down to us to see if we were OK.

It was then that mum and my friend sat me down and tried to talk sense to me and said I would be making a rod for my own back if I married this man. I knew they were talking a lot of sense but all I could see was the hurt that would be in those big brown eyes of his and couldn't bring myself to do break off the engagement. You can pay dearly for being a softie.

Anyway, the wedding took place on 18th July, 1953 in St George's Cathedral in Perth and we spent our honeymoon at Yanchep Inn. The next sign of severe jealousy on his part occurred several weeks after our wedding when I received an invitation to a girlfriend's Kitchen Tea. He asked me when we would be going and when I explained that it was a girl only thing he couldn't believe that I would even contemplate going anywhere without him or that he hadn't been invited!!! I couldn't believe this but I did go to that party without feeling in the least guilty about leaving him on his own for a couple of hours. I was still thinking it a bit of a joke that anyone could react like that.

Several things happened in the next few years where jealousy became a real stumbling block in our marriage and yet when our daughter was born it was OK for him to go with a couple of mates to a dance at the Embassy Ballroom. Also on my 24th birthday he went off fishing with friends and left me to my own devices. It was obviously one rule for me and a different rule for His Lordship. (this a nickname family members have bestowed on him over the years).

Eventually he went off on his own more and more, fishing, shooting and yes, drinking too although when we first met he didn't drink much at all. Perhaps I drove him to it but I don't really think so. He came from a family where all the men enjoyed their beer and I think the habit was catching.

We had been married barely a year when he asked his mother why she never asked us to her home for a meal and her answer was "because you make every meal time a misery". His grandmother also reprimanded him and told him "if you are going to talk to your wife like that you need not come into this house". This, after all, was their son and grandson and I was only an in-law and I began to realise they were sticking up for me and not for him. Something wrong here was my thought.

When our second child was about 18 months old I had had enough and walked out and went to stay with my mum. A few nights after this he met an uncle and aunt of his and told them I had left him and the aunt's reaction was "I am not the least bit surprised!"

Don't get me wrong, I am no whited saint and have done things I shouldn't have done as we all do through our lives but I do know I have faults and make mistakes and try to admit to doing so but this man was never wrong, at least not in his eyes.

Eventually things came to a head in 1966 when one night he was going on and on and I knew that if he didn't stop I would hit him with something and being a non-violent person this was not my way of resolving a problem. I walked out the door at about 11pm and never returned. I was wrong to leave the two children there but I just had to take the iniative and go, go, go away...as far from him as I could on foot. (His mother had actually said to me one day that I should pick up a heavy frying pan and hit him with it if he didn't behave himself).

I ended up at my mother's home and explained to her what had happened. He brought the children around and asked where I had been and I told him to mind his own business. He had the audacity to say I could have our daughter but he would keep our son and that his mother would help care for him. This backfired on him as she said she was well past the age of caring for a child and so I had the two children with me which I felt was likely to be the case anyway. It was a risk I had taken and which turned out for the best as I could never have lived without the two kids being with me.

One more risk regarding my children was when speaking to the excellent lawyer I had he suggested I tell my husband that he should have the children. I was aghast at this idea as I would never have forgiven myself if I lost custody of them. The lawyer said that from what I had told him he doubted my husband would want them. He said I should suggest to my husband that he engage a housekeeper to help care for them himself and the children and this I did. The reactiom? "Do you really think I want somebody in the house to spy on me and know what I am doing?" It was a risk I took and it paid off thank goodness. Big sigh of relief on my part and my sincere thanks to a very good legal person.

A divorce took place in 1967, I married again and have been happy with my second husband for going on 43 years for which I am very thankful. Even the Supreme Court judge chided my husband at the time of the divorce in regard to actions on his part and I was more or less made to appear blameless.

Some of the above seems to have had a delayed recation with my son as he decided eight and a half years back that he wanted nothing further to do with any of us although prior to that time he had more or less fallen out with his father anyway.

I realise now that I should never have married A in the first place and the biggest regret is that my daughter has to bear the brunt of it as she still tries to do the right thing by her father and sees him when she feels she must. She tells me that he is still as arrogant as ever he was and to me he sounds as though he is even worse. To her I say I am sorry for any agro she has to go through at his hands but she has a good family support group so I know she will survive.

Over past years I have had several conversations with A on the telephone and he goes on and on talking endlessly about himself, how many people think he is wonderful and how clever he is. You sort of listen and try and say "Oh, yes" occasionally and try and find a reason to end the conversation ASAP. There is no such thing as a real conversation as far as he is concerned as his own voice is all he wants to hear.

He has had a partner for many years now and I know from what she herself told me, that she has stayed there for security (particularly for her own son) and is obviously willing and capable of putting up with much more than I could put up with. I wish her well because all the money in the world would not have made me stay a minute longer than I did.

I made a mistake, was fortunate to have two lovely kids one of whom is my friend as well as my daughter, or at least I look on her that way.

It is water under the bridge and nothing will change any of it but we must move on as best we can and hope that others don't make similar mistakes.

Some doctors really ARE good

Today my husband visited a new doctor. He is a consulting physician and an endocrinologist and struck us as being really caring and we didn't have the feeling we were rushed as one often does feel these days. He welcomed me being there as he said an extra pair of ears was always helpful as perhaps was an extra mouth as well!! Hubby often doesn't tell all as he is not one to talk about himself but you must be open when dealing with doctors or how are they going to know exactly what is going on. This doctor was very thorough dealing with the problems that have arisen (hypertension caused by tumour (non-malignant fortunately) on adrenal gland, etc) and explained all the pros and cons extensively. I feel my hubby is lucky to have been referred to this doctor and will hopefully soon be feeling much happier about himself. The next appoinment will be in three weeks time during which time B/P has to be taken twice a day and a record kept of it. The doctor increased the medication recently prescribed and is hoping that it in itself will do the trick without the need for surgery which is good news. He is not dealing with the diabetes and said he will leave that to the Professor whom we both see again in early June. Today our faith has been restored in the medical profession.

I am thoroughly enjoying the cooler weather we are experiencing in Perth this week and wonder if we have actually seen the end of those endless weeks with daytime temperatures above 30C which is a little wearing for everyone eventually. I am a cold weather person as a rule and often wonder will I feel the cold more as I age more. I certainly seem to notice the heat more than I did when younger.

Had a lovely email from Warwickshire, England from cousins of my husband. They are both in their eighties but seem to enjoy their lives which is wonderful. There is also another cousin there who turned 92 this month and our love and best wishes go to him. That man's sister is 96 so there is obviously longevity in the family so....here's hoping!!

Have not heard much from our family of late but I imagine they are busy as people usually seem to be these days. Although we would love to see or hear from them more than we do, one just must not make demands on busy people. It is easy for we who are retired to wonder why we don't hear, but then our time is our own to do with as we will and we have nobody to answer to but ourselves. I think at times the elderly make far too many demands on the young and, although it is often done because we love them, we must learn to be patient.

I think it is only a week or so before the end of daylight saving and I can't saw we will be sorry to see it end. I don't think the very hot summer we had helped at all and it certainly meant we had some very hot evenings. It will be interesting to see the result of the daylight saving referendum in May. Three times such a referendum has resulted in a NO vote but that could well change this time.

Reflections

It is 99 years today (17 March) since my adopted half-brother Len was born. He was wonderful to me when I was little and being nearly 21 years my senior I guess he was more like an uncle than a brother. In later years we unfortunately grew apart and this was partly caused by our folks splitting up when I was in my early 20s just after my first marriage. It was a pity, but mum seemed to have given the impression that I was partly behind the break-up and although I eventually managed to explain it all to dad, I don't think Len ever knew the truth so I was not the popular little sister of previous years. It was because of this that I saw little of his two daughters and their two families in later years. Nevertheless, I think of him with fondness today and have emailed his two daughters telling them I am thinking of their dad today.

It is a strange thing being adopted. You have all these people in your life, all your life, and they are family. I was told when I was 12 that I'd been adopted as a very young baby but my only thought at that time was that two people had wanted me so badly and it was wonderful to be needed that much. I don't think I really ever wondered what my roots were for many years as I was loved and well cared for and spent a very happy childhood with two great parents.

Years after my dad (1971) and mum (1985) had passed on I decided to find out who my real family was, mainly for medical information that might assist my own children and their families. I hadn't realised the work that it would entail but with my daughter's help and that of some wonderful people in government departments, all was finally revealed. My natural father by that time was dead and having been told my birth mother had also died young I didn't expect to find her. A huge surprise when I found she actually was alive and living not far from me and my husband. I never got to meet her physically but we became good friends on the telephone and I was so sad when she died in 1996. Her first great-great-granddaughter was born on the day of her funeral. She knew a baby was on the way and seemed pleased at the thought.

Since discovering my natural family I now sometimes feel very confused as to where my loyalties lie. I can only ever think of my adopted parents as my real parents and yet I have these people related to me by blood whom I should feel more for but seem unable to feel for them the same way. I do have a new-found half-brother (that was in 2001) and he and I have become very close and he rings me with little bits and pieces about his life. He is 14 years my junior so now I am a big sister to both him and our sister (she is 20 years younger than me) which is nice. It has been wonderful to be accepted by all members of both natural families I have met. Even though I have the documents to prove who I am nobody disbelieved me and it wasn't really necessary to show those papers as proof.

I guess thinking about my late brother has me thinking of all the great people I've known who have left this mortal coil in the past 10 years. There are so many of them and some were far too young to die. They all live on in varying degrees while I and others remember them and perhaps one day I also will live on in the minds of those who knew me and hopefully that memory will be with love. I have never done anything momentous in my life but have tried to be there when needed and hope I have been of some use to family and friends over the years. I intend to be around for a while yet but nobody knows what is written in the stars so....I can just hope I survive as there are still things I want to do and learn.

Another most enjoyable visitor

Today is Thursday, 12 March, regardless of the date that will show on top of this entry. I think this blog runs on US time as it seems to be a day behind the actual day I do it.
As mentioned yesterday, my #2 granddaughter (minus her daughter who was at high school, but hope to see her soon too) came to help me sort out some of the Creative Memories pages I have already prepared. We did a lot of chatting and had so much fun looking at some of the old photos....more chatting and looking than sorting took place but we eventually got them into some semblance of order and now I have much more work to do complete them. It is just about a full-time job as I've had so many photos emailed from England of my husband's family from way back before he was born (and that WAS a long time ago). I've had them printed out so now the task is ahead of me to sort them and find places for them in the CM pages.
What would we do without photographs? My folks' home was destroyed by fire before I was born and they lost everything apart from the clothes they were wearing. They had been camped out working on another property at the time (they were farming in the deep south of W.A. then). My dad had played for Tottenham Hotspurs and had his England cap as well (amateur status in those days) and had newspaper cuttings, medals etc; there were family photos and probably a few heirlooms as well but they were all gone, all completely irreplaceable.
I can understand people saying, when faced with the prospect of losing their home to fire, that they grab their photo albums. One item of interest is this...my dad had been presented with an MBE medal (by King George V) for work he had done during WW1 in England and that medal (minus the pin and ribbon) survived the fire. We have often wondered just what metal that medal was made from.
I had friends living in the Kinglake district of Victoria who decided to leave their homes when those terrible fires threatened and they told me they grabbed their photo albums. One home was saved but another was unfortunately lost but when I spoke to them they sounded so very positive and I can only wish them well.
Back to the day with my granddaughter...my thanks to her for taking the time to spend with an 'oldie'. We had some fun and hopefully we will do it again soon.
It is not so terribly hot today (27C) but awfully humid. My husband played 9 holes of golf this morning but reckoned the weather wasn't conducive to playing well...at least that's his excuse and of course I do believe him : ) Main thing is you got some fresh air.