AM I PERHAPS TOO OLD TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING

I always do try to keep the glass half full the same way Kakka does but there are times when it takes so much effort and I am beginning to wonder if I am perhaps too old to deal with being this old and all the problems it is bringing with it.

I should be used to arthritic problems as they first presented themselves when I was just 22 years old and before I had my two children. I've had two total hip replacements and they work pretty well but the rest of me just hurts so much at times. I sometimes can't believe that pain in my hands can be so intense, even when I am actually not doing anything. My arthritis begins in my head and neck and spreads right through my body now although (touch wood) I have no problems in my elbows..wonder why that is? I suppose I need to have just one part of me that doesn't hurt (yet). Fortunately my gout is fairly well controlled although there is still the occasional twinge but only a twinge thank goodness.

Now my diabetes has really taken a turn for the worse and nearly two weeks on insulin doesn't seem to be having any impression on my readings. Am I perhaps being too impatient and expecting miracles. Why after 16 years has this happened. You are told 'it happens". Big help.

I have put up with the tinnitus for about 15-20 years or more and it has now become an expected background type of noise that I can live with but still wish it wasn't there. That is a minor problem compared with the rest.

For some years it was MOH I looked after, watching what he ate when his cholesterol went too high and putting drops in his eyes every night for his glaucoma (he does that now and I look after the little timer for him..he has to wait for 2 minutes after each drop goes in holding his finger in the corner of his eye to stop the fluid going anywhere than in the eye). I still do remind him to do his insulin injections and also ask that he has remembered to take his tablets but it is he that is now looking after me more than me looking after him.

I've never been a person who wants to be the centre of attention and I am not taking to kindly to being so dependent on MOH as I am now. We share household chores and that is OK but he puts my pressure stockings on for me each day (they are SO tight that it is quite a job for him)and we do the lympathic massage on my legs each day (I do the thighs and he does the calves and feet). He rubs Dencorub and the like on my aching back a couple of times a day as I can't reach now and if he hears me cry out any time he is always there to see if all is OK. Now he is doing the insulin injection for me each night when we are ready to go to bed. He is not a demonstrative man but I do know what I mean to him and we to each other.

Another thing I find is not really being needed much any more after being there for folks in the past. I know MOH still needs me (as much as I need him really) and my little cat needs me as she is a one and a half person cat (she shares herself with MOH but she is usually in the same room I am in). All older members of my family and my close friends have left this mortal coil and my family are now self-sufficient so I am not needed there any more.

I knew of two ladies who at about my age decided their lives meant nothing to them any more and I hope I will never begin to feel like that. Perhaps it was because they were both widows and their grown up families had made their own lives they felt there were no longer needed. When I was told this several years ago by their daughters I found it hard to believe but I am beginning to understand what they felt and they were quite happy to die when their time came.

I am so thankful to have MOH and our cat and while I still have them I hope that the glass will most times remain at least half full if not even fuller at times.

WHEN DOES PAIN BECOME TOO MUCH PAIN?

Yes, I am having a grizzle. You will probably be tired of me mentioning that I have osteo arthritis but it is with me day after day and although I know there are millions of more unfortunate people than I am, the pain I feel is the pain I live with and of late it is really beginning to get me down.

I take panadol osteo (6 tablets a day when I can fit those doses in) but they are only a very mild pain killer although I do believe they help keep the smaller aches at bay. There are of course stronger painkillers available but when I tried them on two occasions I became zombie-like and it took 24 hours for that effect to wear off.

I may not be able to do very much physically but at least my mental prowess is proving to be quite good. If I take painkillers that would dull my mind then I would have nothing worthwhile to live for. I use my computer quite a lot and perhaps not all that usefully but what I do is what I enjoy and it helps take my mind off myself. For that reason it has to be part of my life. I need my mind to work for me.

Lately I am finding it more and more difficult to do anything which means I have to be on my feetm i.e. cooking, home duties etc. After about 10 minutes the pain seems to take over my entire body until I feel that any moment I could disappear in a puff of smoke. Although that sounds strange, I can't explain it in any other way. Perhaps now the weather has cooled I may once again try walking round our block using my walking frame but even that isn't all that easy to do.

It is not just getting around that I miss but 'cos my hands are so bad I have had to give up crossstitch (I lived to do that) as I cannot hold a small sewing needle now. I can only knit or crochet for a few minutes at a time and dressmaking is now out too as I am unable to use scissors competently so can't cut out patterns etc. I can still use my machine for straight sewing and mending which at least is eomething.

This is not a happy post today but I just had to get it down to help get some of the grief out of my mind. I know I am having a black day so it is not pleasant reading and forgive me for that. Tomorrow is sure to be better and happier. It just has to be. It might rain and that would be good as I am really looking forward to our winter weather. I promise that I will try not to be so 'down' again. I apologise.