THE FEELING OF FAILURE

Tonight my oldest granddaughter had on Facebook written but one word FAIL...I then suddenly realised just how I have been feeling of late...I too feel I am a failure.

Now my dear g/daughter has far different problems to me but her state of mind is obviously producing this feeling that she fails at everthing. Recently her baby boy died when she was only 16 weeks into her pregnancy and that is something only people who have lost an unborn child can really understand. She probably now has a feeling of sheer inadequacy which is infiltrating her everyday life. She has been trying so hard to return to normal and not always succeeding. There is support for her from all her family and her friends but sometimes people feel there is little they can do to heal the hurt for her. I am hoping time will heal this wound and that she will once again be her cheerful, busy self.

Thinking about her made me realise what my problem is too. My arthritis is so very bad of late that simple tasks such as writing Christmas cards, tidying up a few objects, washing dishes and getting meals have become little nightmares. There doesn't seem to be one part of me that doesn't hurt at some time or another which in itself is difficult to bear but when it interferes with tasks I am trying to do it it becomes unbearable. Now I do understand that this pain and inability to do very much is playing with my mind which make matters far worse. I know that people with arthritis and diabetes (of which I am Type 2) are prone to depression so I wonder is this what has happened to me? I simply refuse to take strong pain killers as they do tend to make the old mind very fuzzy and as for anti-depressants....I don't suffer clinical depression so am sure I don't need them either.

MOH is so very patient with me and tries to understand what is happening to me but he himself has been ill for a couple of weeks and only now recovering from whatever bug had invaded his body. As we head towards Christmas I can only hope that the rest of the Christmas cards will get written and posted and presents bought and wrapped in time for the big day. It's funny but even wrapping a parcel seems beyong me at times as my hands are very painful and don't function as well as they should.

Am I sorry for myself? No, not really as I have a loving husband and family who I know do care about how I am and as I always have said there are so many millions of people in the world who are so worse off than I am. Unfortunately I am the one who feels my pain and my inadequacy and therefore that I am a failure.

If only I could talk to my g/daughter about how I too feel I am a failure (for such different reasons) but I doubt somehow it would help her at all. I do however understand exactly what she meant when she typed that one word FAIL.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SOMEONE SPECIAL

Today MOH celebrates the anniversary of the day of his birth but what a dreadful way to celebrate! A visit to our doctor and now antibiotics. On Monday night he complained of a sore throat and then he developed and nasty cough over the next day or two. Our doctor was away for two days (unusual for him) and I had already made an extended appointment with him for this afternoon for myself. I managed to have it split in two so MOH could be seen as well. I am so glad I did 'cos the doctor said MOH had a very raw throat and a bubbly sound in his chest. I managed to get a couple of important scripts I needed and also have the doctor complete the form to go to the *Department of Transport so my driver's licence will be renewed in January.

I cancelled a lunch appointment we had arranged with a friend to today and was so glad I did 'cos MOH just wouldnt have made it. A raincheck on that and also no alcohol as you don't drink when taking antibiotics.

Poor dear...not a good way to celebrate your 81st birthday but we will make up for it a couple weeks when you should be feeling so much better and will be able to have a glass of wine as well. Something to look forward to instead of looking back on today.

*Would you believe the Department of Transport have LOST all my medical information. Surely in this day and age a government department would have a back-up system so that records just do not get lost. Apparently not.

All is can say is this: Happy birthday and better luck next year when you turn 82. xxx

THAT GALAH FAMILY

Stopped by the post office again today and both mum and dad galah were in attendance on their gum tree. She flew off when we arrived but papa was working away at the bark of the tree most industriously and you could see a huge area where he had been chipping away at it. Whether it is the bark itself or some insect in there I don't know but he kept right on regardless of vehicles driving past or people walking.

It was funny to watch him as a man walked behind the tree and the galah stretched out one way to see where the fellow was going and then the other way to make sure he continued walking on past the tree.

I whistled to the galah and he turned and gave ma a cheerful look and then continued on with chipping away at the bark.

Whether their young one has hatched or not is hard to tell but at least it was wonderful to see both the adults still very active.

They are both just SOOO beautiful and have adapted so well to suburban living.

TODAY THE TRUTH SUDDENLY HIT ME

I have always known my daughter is important to me but suddenly today I realised just how important she is in my life.

At times I do get very lonely as I don't get out very much apart from medical appointments and the like and I often long for the sound of a friendly voice. Yes MOH is wonderful and I know he loves me very much (he actually toldl me so today), more perhaps than I deserve and we often sit and chat about this and that which is great but.... Today the truth hit me and I knew exactly which voice it was I missed the most. My daughter's voice.

She is a very busy lady and if she reads this blog I don't want her to feel I am burdening her with this realisation of mine. I am not putting pressure on her to do anything different in her life.

Let me explain: my daughter rang me yesterday and we had quite a long chat and I felt so much better afterwards. She rang me again today and it was another long chat and I felt as though a weight had lifted off me. I had come to life again.

Just two simple telephone calls and I found myself smiling unexpectedly..at nothing in particular ... but how long was it since that had happened?

How can I tell her that the sound of her voice, even briefly, lights up my life so much without her feeling I am indeed placing a huge burden on her shoulders which is the last thing I want to do.

I love to talk to my grandchildren as well and enjoy hearing any news they may have or listening to problems if they have them and will always welcome any calls I receive from them but the one most important voice is that of my only daughter...someone I have loved so very much from the very moment of her birth and also before that day too.

We may not always agree on everything but that is the way of human nature and a boring old world it would be if we couldn't have different opinions on various issues. There have been times when we've gone 'a bit cold' on each perhaps but the bond has never been broken and I am positive it never will be. Thank you for being who you are.

UPDATE ON OUR FEATHERED FRIENDS

Last week it seems the galahs were still using the hollow in that gum tree near the post office...only one galah was present and he/she flew up on to the light post when some dogs ran down the street with their owners. No sign of a young one but I would imagine there must be one in the nest.

I looked up information about galahs on Wikipedia and it seems they incubate for 25 days and eventually leave the nest at about 49 days so it is possible I could be lucky enough to see the baby before it leaves home...I certainly hope I do.

NOTHING IN LIFE WILL LAST FOREVER

So go the words of the song which continues:

"Hold on tight to those you love 'cos you don't know how long you're going to have them for.
Hold on tight to those you love 'cos they're the only thing worth living for."

This is so true but one wonders at times if one is trying to hold on too tight. There are of course other things in life that are important but those you love do and surely must come first before anything else.

Unfortunately I am not sure those you love always want to be held on to but prefer their freedom. My son chose that path and it is now nearly 9 years since he spoke to me or bothered with any of us. He must be serious because I have been in hospital 4 times during those nearly 9 years and never had a visit or any contact from him or his family at all. I have been fortunate that other family members have visited as well as some dear friends so I never felt neglected at those times.

There is a lot more going on in my mind right now but perhaps it would be diplomatic to leave it unsaid (unwritten) so maybe I am not having an opportunity to put into words what I feel. Never mind....I am only one person.

Others use blogging to express how they feel about all types of things and I wish I could but perhaps least said soonest mended so best to leave it at that.

MY HEART IS HEAVY

I am feeling very heavy hearted and at the same time so helpless.

My daughter is sad as is at least one granddaughter and possibly one or two more of my granddaughters as well.

Events overtake people, events they have little control over but nevertheless these events bring a lasting sadness with them.

We cannot get into other people's mind to see exactly what is going on in there and no matter how many words we may utter we are never sure that what we say is what they want to hear. Sometimes one just keeps quiet for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I know I am a good listener and am always willing to listen, without comment if need be, but perhaps I am now just little to old for people to bother talking to me. Perhaps nobody would think I would understand any more.

All I know is I am here should anyone need me and meanwhile I sit here feeling hopeless and unable to help....as much as I would like to do so.